Fire Away
by Ashley7417
Summary: Courtney and Jason had just lost the baby. How will Courtney deal with the emotions that are seeming to over take her? Jason will learn right along with her what emotional trauma can really mean.
1. Chapter 1

**Fire Away** Ch. 1

After losing the baby Courtney couldn't shake the desperate feeling of despair, grief and loneliness that she was feeling. She lay curled up on the couch with the baby blanket Carly had given her as a welcome home gift after their return from South America. She heard Jason walk through the door but didn't move. She just stayed curled up in the fetal position. Jason walked over to her, sat down on the couch and slowly touched her knee to let him know she was there. "Courtney, you ok?" She slowly turned to look at him. "NO Jason I'm not ok. I can't help feeling like I will never be the same again. I can't shake the loneliness, depression and grief." She told him as she started to cry softly. "Courtney, talk to me. Let me try to help you. I can't pretend to know what you are going through. I'm grieving too just not in the same way. You were the one carrying our baby, you felt that connection. Please help me try to understand what you are going through." She remained silent while still softly crying. Taking that as a sign she wasn't ready to open up and talk about things just yet Jason could do the only thing he could at that moment and that was to put his arm around her and try to comfort her the only way he knew how, just be there.

After a few minutes, he broke the silence between them once again. "Courtney remember how we talked about going away together but other things that seemed more important at the time kept getting in the way?" She nodded in response. "Well then go away with me now. The only important thing right now is us." "When?" She asked him as she wiped the tears from her cheeks. "Now, tonight. "He told her. Thinking this just may be the escape she needs to feel normal again she agreed. They both got off the couch and went upstairs to pack. She neatly folded the blanket and placed it in the bottom of her suitcase. She wasn't sure why she was taking the blanket along, she just knew she still needed to hold onto it for a little while longer.

A half hour later they were in the car on their way to the airport. Jason had called ahead and had Sonny's pilot ready his private plane. Courtney still couldn't shake the feeling of despair even as they boarded the plane for what she knew was Sonny's secluded island. Her breath caught in her throat as soon as the plane took off. "Jason, I can't breathe. I can't breathe." She told him in a panicked scream the second time as she rushed to the bathroom. "Courtney! Are you ok?" Jason asked standing right outside the bathroom door. "I'll be fine Jason." She told him as she looked in the mirror at her reflection, her cold, broken, shameful reflection. "I just needed to splash some water on my face I think. I'm feeling a bit better now." She said as she emerged from the bathroom. Jason put his hand on the small of her back to help guide her back to the sofa. He knew something was off with her he just didn't know how to ask what was wrong without her completely shutting down on him. The rest of the plane ride was spent with her curled up laying on Jason's lap asleep. Jason couldn't help but watch her sleep and softly brush her hair out of her face with his hands. He did something in that moment he hadn't done in a very long time, he prayed.

Jason slowly roused Courtney as the pilot told him they were ready to make their decent. Courtney slowly sat up and put her seatbelt on. She still felt like she was in a fog but was determined to put on a brave face and try to have an enjoyable time on this trip for Jason's sake. Once they made it to the house Courtney started to relax just a bit. "I'm going to go unpack and change." She told Jason as they entered the house. In truth, she just needed a few minutes to herself. "I'll start dinner then." He told her as he gave her a light kiss on the forehead as they went their separate ways. Once Courtney entered the bedroom she flopped the suitcases down on the bed and unzipped hers first and started placing her clothing in the dresser and closet. She got to the baby blanket she had packed, she sat down on the bed with the blanket clutched in her hands and started to cry again. She couldn't help herself, she just let the tears flow freely. The longer she sat there crying over the baby the angrier she felt. Angry at herself for letting herself feel this way, angry at Alcazar for trapping her on that boat, angry at Jason for leaving for South America before she had a chance to tell him about the baby. She didn't know what else to do, she was just so angry. She got up and started franticly pacing the room, looking for something, anything to break or throw to hopefully make herself feel better. She grabbed a vase from the mirrored dresser and threw it as hard as she could against the mirror, shattering them both. Then she fell into a crumpled mess on the floor. "Courtney!" Jason screamed upon hearing the shattering glass from the kitchen. He sprinted up the stairs and into the bedroom finding shards of glass everywhere and Courtney crumpled into a ball sobbing on the floor in the middle of the room. "Courtney, what happened? Are you ok?" He asked her as he knelt beside her and tried to pick her up off the floor. As he tried to pick her up she smacked him away. "Get away from me!" she screamed. Jason was completely shocked and taken aback by what she had just said to him he wasn't sure what was happening. "Courtney, I love you, please let me help you. Let me in, tell me what's going on inside your head?" Courtney couldn't stop sobbing. She no longer felt angry, now she felt ashamed. Ashamed she had let herself get angry, ashamed she had broken the vase and mirror, ashamed she had yelled at Jason. "I don't know Jason, I don't know how to describe what I'm feeling, my thoughts seem to go from one thing to another so quickly I can't keep up with them. Like just now, I feel ashamed for getting angry and breaking the mirror and vase. Before, while unpacking I felt angry, for bringing the baby blanket with me, for feeling the way I have been and not knowing how to fix it. For not being able to get pregnant again because of the stupid decision I made to jump off that boat. See, none of this makes any sense, does it?" She asked him as she got up off the floor and sat on the edge of the bed. "Courtney, I've always been honest with you. You may not want to hear this right now but I honestly think you need to talk to someone. Therapy may help you deal with all the emotions you are feeling right now. I can listen and try to understand where you are coming from and I will help you as best I can to get through this. But I think seeking professional help when we get home is the best thing for you to deal with everything you have going on." Jason told her all of this while sitting beside her on the bed and gently rubbing her back. "Maybe you are right Jason, I will make an appointment at GH when we get home." She said as she lightly kissed his cheek and stood up. "Right now, I better get this mess cleaned up before one of us gets cut." "Leave it, I will have the housekeeper get it. You just need to try to relax and maybe eat something. I do have dinner started, let's go see if it's close to done yet." He stood facing her and looked into her eyes before taking her hand and heading downstairs to the kitchen. When he looked into her eyes he saw all the pain and sadness behind them. He silently prayed she would get help once they returned home.

As Jason got the lasagna out of the oven Courtney set the table. She even lit candles and turned on some soft music. Jason plated their food and brought it over to the table, setting the plates down he walked over and pulled Courtney's chair out for her. She gave him a small smile as she sat down. "This is nice." She said as she looked at him from across the table. "Let's just try to relax and enjoy the evening. So what do you want to do tomorrow? Any ideas?" He asked as they both started eating the lasagna in front of them. "No, not really. Let's just see what the morning brings ok?" She said, still not sure how she was feeling, just knowing she wanted to try to seem as normal as possible for him this weekend. As they finished dinner and settled on the couch in the living room with a couple drinks Courtney finally started to feel normal again after the emotional roller coaster of the day. She cuddled up next to Jason with her legs tucked under her. As she finished her drink, a lot faster than Jason thought she would, she leaned over and kissed him, almost forcefully. Jason pulled her back. "Courtney, are you sure?" "Yes, I'm sure. The doctor said it was ok to resume all normal activities." She said as she moved to kiss him again. He sat his drink down on the table so he could wrap his arms around her. They made their way to the bedroom never breaking contact from one another Jason gently laid her down on the bed and asked again if she was sure this is what she wanted. "Yes Jason!" She said with more sternness in her voice than she intended. As they made love for the first time since Courtney was pregnant all the emotions Courtney had been feeling went into their lovemaking. She finally felt normal and free of all the craziness. She truly enjoyed every second of Jason's attentiveness towards her. Once they were wrapped in each other's arms and he was fast asleep however, that was a different story.


	2. Chapter 2

Fire Away CH. 2

 _As they made love for the first time since Courtney was pregnant all the emotions Courtney had been feeling went into their lovemaking. She finally felt normal and free of all the craziness. She truly enjoyed every second of Jason's attentiveness towards her. Once they were wrapped in each other's arms and he was fast asleep however, that was a different story…._

That is when her mind started racing again, when irrational thoughts plagued her mind. She started thinking about whether is was a mistake to make love to Jason so soon after losing their baby? What if he had just made love to her because he felt sorry for her? What if he did it because he was selfish and didn't really care about her feelings like she thought he did? Deep down she knew that last thought was irrelevant. She knew Jason loved her and would never want to hurt her, but in her irrational mind she wasn't sure. They hadn't used protection what if she got pregnant again? The fear of losing another baby was too much for her to take. She felt herself unable to breathe again, as the irrational part of her thoughts took over. She slowly climbed out of bed, trying her best not to wake Jason. As her feet hit the floor she bolted for the bathroom, looking at her sullen reflection in the mirror again for the 2nd time that day she let the tears fall freely. After a few minutes of sobbing in the bathroom the space was closing in on her, while still sniffling softly she headed out to the beach, maybe the fresh air would clear her head from all the craziness.

As she stood with the sand beneath her bare feet, just watching the waves crash against the shoreline her thoughts became more real to her than they ever had over the past few weeks. Still sobbing, she thought about all the pain she had been in, the pain she was causing Jason, the hurt she was causing Sonny and Carly. She knew what she had to do. Her steps were slow, deliberate, she knew what this would mean. As her toes felt the freezing water she shuddered but kept walking. As she submerged herself fully in the night ocean water she imagined Jason calling her name. Ignoring it she kept walking, it was getting harder to hold her breath, her lungs burned for oxygen, she didn't care. She knew this was the only way to end all the pain she had caused. Just as she started gasping for air, starting to feel faint from the lack of oxygen she felt his strong arms around her. Lifting her body out of the water. "COURTNEY!" Jason screamed at her. "Courtney, what are you doing? What were you thinking?" He was sobbing now, as the realization of just how serious her depression had become.

All she could do was stare at him blankly. As he sat her down on the sand she finally started coming around. On one hand, she was grateful he saved her, on the other he wished he would've just left her alone. He knelt beside her on the sand trying to brush the soaking wet hair away that had fallen around her face. "Why did you do that Jason? Why did you save me? I can't do this anymore, I can't live like this anymore." She was screaming at him now. "Courtney." He paused as he touched his hand to her cheek wiping away the tears that were starting to fall again. She smacked his hand away hard enough that he fell backwards landing in the sand. Realizing that the soft, caring approach wasn't working with her anymore and the fact that she hit him, he did the only thing he could since she seemed to be so angry at him. He returned her anger, screaming right back at her. "Fire Away, Courtney!"


	3. Chapter 3

Fire Away CH. 3

"Take your best shot, show me what you got, honey, I'm not afraid. Rear back and take aim. Fire Away." She couldn't breathe, she couldn't think, she couldn't believe that he was screaming at her. It just fueled her anger at him even more. She weakly stood on her feet and he stood to face her. She could feel the anger rising, boiling, raging inside her. She lunged at him shoving as hard as she could against his chest. "It's not fair! Our baby died because of you! If you showed the same loyalty to me that you do Sonny our baby would still be here! I wanted you to stay, stay with us so I could tell you about the baby, but you left anyway, left to go find Carly because that's what Sonny told you to do. Why Jason, why couldn't you have just stayed? I wouldn't be going through any of this if it weren't for your loyalty to Sonny, you selfish bastard!" She screamed at him trying to shove him once more. This time instead of letting Courtney shove him he braced himself and wrapped his arms tightly around her. Holding her as tightly as he could as she tried to free herself from his grasp. After a few moments, she finally relented and fell into him sobbing. She freely let the tears fall as he gently picked her up and carried her back into the house.

Setting her down on the side of the bathtub she clung to his arm as he started running warm water into the bathtub. Her shaking sobs were just sniffles and whimpers by this point. She let him undress her and gently help her in the bathtub. Sliding down and letting the warm water rush over her freezing body, she finally started to relax and feel normal again. "I'm so sorry Jason. I don't know what got into me. I had no intention of yelling at you or blaming you for any of this. I just don't know what's wrong with me or how to fix it." She covered her face with her hands and Jason just rubbed her back gently, encouraging her to keep talking. "When I walked into that water, in that moment it seemed like the best solution. Just ending it all, that way I wouldn't have to feel so helpless and hopeless anymore. ""Cortney, you don't have to go through any of this alone. No matter how terrible things get for you I will always be here for you. Always." Jason told her as he leaned in and kissed the top of her head. "Honestly Jason, the one thing that made me start to feel normal again, out there on the beach, was when you yelled at me. Fire Away, where did you come up with that?" Just something I heard once. I didn't know if it would help or hurt, but I had to get your mind off whatever you were feeling in that moment. I can't pretend to know what you're going through, I just knew anything had to be better than what you were feeling then, if it's anger, then than I'll take it. I don't want you to ever feel like that again." He told her, taking great care to not use the word suicidal, even though he knew that was what she was going though right now. He had seen the same thing with Sonny. "Thank you." She told him sincerely as she leaned up in the tub and pulled him into a kiss. "Jason, I think I need to go home now. I don't trust myself right now. Being here with you is great, I just need to be here when I'm better. I know things for me are bad right now. So, the sooner I get home and to GH, the better off I will be. I've heard the stories about Sonny when he gets like this. I can recognize the signs, the symptoms, I don't want to let this go. Please." That was the best thing he had heard her say in the last few days. He would do whatever he had to get her the help she needed. "Of course, whatever you want. I will call Monica on our way and schedule your appointment if you want?" He told her as he helped her out of the tub. "I'll start packing while you get dressed. I'll call the pilot while I'm at it." He said then kissed her before walking into the adjoining bedroom.

A couple hours later they were back on the jet they had been on just 18 hours before. Courtney was sitting on the sofa, staring off into space, wringing her hands in her lap. "You ok?" Jason asked her as he looked at her with concern on his face. She glared over at him out of the corner of her eye. She stretched her arm out and backhanded him in the chest as hard as she could before standing to face him. "Here we go again." He thought to himself. "Ok, you've already reared back and gave it your best shot, so fire away Courtney. What's running through your head?" She huffed at him. "This isn't the way it's supposed to be Jason. I know I'm supposed to be hurt and upset, angry even over losing the baby but these feelings of out of control, irrational thoughts are not me. I'm not deranged or insane or bi polar! I'm not a nut job! Right?! She was yelling again. "No Courtney, you're not. You are an honest, caring, loving, loyal person who is just going through a tough time right now. People react to things that happen in their life differently. It will be ok. Once we get home and to GH you will be fine." He told her, and prayed he was right. Seemingly satisfied with that answer for the moment Courtney sat back down, curled up next to Jason and drifted off to sleep for the rest of the plane ride back to Port Charles.


	4. Chapter 4

Fire Away Ch. 4

A/N: After much consideration. This story isn't coming together quite like I envisioned it would. I think this will be the last chapter and I am going to try to end it on a happy note.

Back in Port Charles Courtney and Jason had unpacked and changed clothes, they were sitting on the couch talking about what the plan of action was to get Courtney the help she so desperately wanted and needed when Carly and Sonny both walked into the penthouse. "How could you both just up and go to the island and not let anyone know you were leaving?" Carly accused. "We had to find out from Johnny that you had left." "Not now Carly." Jason told her. The accusing tone from Carly and the way Jason jumped to defend their actions was enough to set Courtney off again. She didn't need anyone accusing her of something and Jason didn't need to defend her, she was capable of that all by herself. "Carly, it doesn't matter that we left. We don't need your approval to go away together. We are grown adults that can do whatever we want, including not clearing it with you." She fired back at her best friend. Jason looked from Courtney to Carly then back to Courtney. "Fire away Courtney. Fire away at me, not Carly." He told her as he put an arm around her waist. Glaring at Jason she let him have it. "Fine, how dare they come in here and accuse us of having to tell them every move we make. We don't owe them any explanation. We can do whatever we want. We don't need their approval. We can go to the island, go for a ride on your bike, go to Kelly's for coffee, anything. We don't need their approval! And I don't have to stand here and take the accusations!" She said as she pushed Jason away and grabbed her keys off the desk and stormed out slamming the door behind her. "Courtney!" Jason yelled after her but she wasn't listening. "Go after her Sonny. Just talk to her. Calm her down. The mental breakdown is bad. "Sonny nodded in understanding and took off after his sister hoping he could talk her down and back to normal.

"What is going on with Courtney? I've never seen her like that before. She reminds me of Sonny when he…" She let the sentence trail off into the air as it dawned on Carly what was going on with her best friend. "Jason, how bad is it?" She asked hugging her best friends husband. "It's bad, Carly. Really bad. We've come to some understanding over the last couple days. When she gets like this I've just started telling her to fire away. Those words seem to focus whatever she is thinking in my direction and she lashes out, then seems ok after I just let her throw whatever words come at me. It got bad on the island though. We made love last night for the first time since she lost the baby. Then she tried to drown herself in the ocean." He didn't know how else to tell Carly what was happening except coming right out with it. "Wow, so just like Sonny. "Carly stated flatly. "Have you talked her into talking to someone at the hospital?" She asked her concerned best friend. "Yes, we were discussing an action plan for that when you guys came in." Just then Jason's phone rang. "Ok, got it. We will be there soon." That was Sonny, we should go. He found Courtney by the docks. She agreed to let him take her to the hospital. Thank God." He said as he grabbed his keys and held the door open for Carly to exit before him.

"How is she?" Jason asked as he spotted Sonny standing in the hallway of GH has he and Carly got off the elevator. "She will be fine now I think. She told me everything that happened. Everything she was thinking and feeling. For someone so broken right now I think she opened to me because she knows I know what it's like. I hope I helped her in some small way. Jason, I'm proud of you. You found something that works for her to release whatever the feelings are and she accepts it. It works to keep her from going just over the edge. That's the best you can do until she is evaluated and gets on medication that will work. Where did you come up with that phrase anyway? Fire away, seems fitting." Sonny asked his best friend, his partner, his right hand. "I was having a tough time dealing with losing the baby myself and one night I went for a ride on my bike and ended up at Jakes. I had just sat down to have my first beer and this song was on the jukebox. Not something I would ever listen to but for some reason I listened to it and it stuck in my head. It stuck with me so much I found myself still singing it in my head the next day so I downloaded it onto my phone. Here." Jason said as he handed Sonny his phone.

Fire Away

Chris Stapleton

Honey load up your questions  
And pick up your sticks and your stones  
And pretend I'm a shelter for heartaches  
That don't have a home  
Choose the words that cut like a razor

And all that I'll say

Is fire away  
Take your best shot  
Show me what you got  
Honey, I'm not afraid  
Rear back and take aim  
And fire away

Well, I wish I could say  
That I've never been here before  
But you know and I know  
That I'll always come back for more  
Your love might be my damnation  
But I'll cry to my grave

Fire away  
Take your best shot  
Show me what you got  
Honey, I'm not afraid  
Rear back and take aim  
And fire away

Ah, fire away

Take your best shot  
Show me what you got  
Honey, I'm not afraid  
Rear back and take aim  
And fire away  
Fire away  
Ah fire away  
Fire away

Sonny listened to the song intently. Listening to the words, not just hearing them, but really listening. Sonny wondered if that's how Carly feels about him and his mental illness. He hated that phrase, mental illness, but that's what it was. There was no denying it. He had come to terms with it, and he hoped and prayed Courtney would too. "I think Courtney needs to hear this. It may help her understand where you are coming from in dealing with her outbursts, and if she really listens it may help her understand a bit about what's going on inside her head.

Jason slowly opened the door to Courtney's room not wanting to wake her if she were sleeping. "Hey." She said as she gave him a weak smile. At least it was a smile non-the less. "Hey, how are you feeling?" "Pretty good for the moment. The doctor gave me a low dose sedative to help with the anxiety for the moment until we can figure out a treatment plan. Jason, I feel so helpless and sorry for all the pain I've caused you over the last few days. If I had figured out what was wrong when it started then I wouldn't have had to go through all of this, mostly alone, or put you through all the hell I have over the last few days. Especially with the suicide attempt." She looked away as she said the last words. "I have to face what I tried to do. That was the first time I've said it. Suicide attempt. I got so low, so down on myself and thought everyone around me was out to get me. I can't believe I thought ending my life was the answer to the loss of our baby. After spending the last couple of hours with the doctor and a professional who has seen worse than me, telling me that I will get better and eventually be able to have children again really helped me see that I can deal with this. It will take a lot of time figuring out how to deal with the stress and anxiety but I can get it under control. Thank you, Jason. Thank you for being there for me, not giving up on me and for helping me the only way you could. Just listening and letting me get all the emotion out. No matter how irrational it was to you at the time." She told him. This is the most Courtney had talked and really opened up over the last couple of days so Jason just let her talk. Listening to every word grateful that it wasn't anger or hostility like it had been or just completely shutting down like she had done over the last few weeks as well. "It wasn't a problem Courtney. That's why I'm here, to listen to whatever thoughts come to your mind, or be your punching bag or whatever. I'm your husband and I love you." He said as he leaned down and kissed her. "How did you come up with the fire away thing anyway? You never did tell me." He pulled out his phone and told her the same story he had told Sonny. She listened to the song that he had downloaded on his phone. As tears crept out of her eyes she wiped them away and just looked at her husband. This man risked everything he knew, every instinct he had to protect her and just yelled at her. She knew in that moment that that was the only thing that saved her, him telling her to **fire away.**

The End

A/N: Thank you all for reading. This was not my best work, I haven't written anything in almost 10 years. Thank you all again for reading.


End file.
